Mind Dump: chapter 1
A glimpse into the psyche of a disoriented teenage black woman
The following piece you have (against all odds) chosen to read will be my uninterrupted stream of consciousness. Continue at your own discretion. I do not plan on proof reading this, in order to maximize the authenticity. Or I’m lazy. You’ll never know.
I have wanted to be many things since I was a kid. Wow how profound. What I mean is I went through numerous career choices, I watched a LOT of Glee in the 4th grade, and I kind of never recovered. Not sure why I mentioned that. Oh yes! It was my obsession with glee that lead to my wanting to be a singer for the longest time. I got real into musicals and decided that a Broadway singer was the way to go. I lived in England at the time, moved to Canada shortly after, I was obviously not going to be a broadway singer. I wanted to be a ballerina. Which could’ve happened if my parents cared enough to put me in a ballet class. I wanted to be a scientist. Took me until my junior year of highschool to realize I hated science. I wanted to be a psychiatrist- learned in my freshman year of university that that requires too much science. So now I’ve settles on a psych major with a minor in … honestly I don’t know yet. I keep thinking english then i think human geography- you know what, the point is IM LOST. I miss being a kid. All I cared about was what I wanted to be and if I would like it, but now there this whole idea of can I afford to become it? What if i study it and realize too late that I hate it? More recently I’ve started to realize there are more than just the socioeconomic barriers or conflicted decision making barring my strive to be whatever. I have so much more to consider now.
Have you ever hated yourself? If the answer is no, you’re either a narcissist, or a mentally stable person. If the answer is yes, welcome! I am one of you. Actually, thats not true because I have only recently learned not to hate myself. Like i said i grew up in england. Reading. It was lovely there, and most of my family is still there. I had one black friend. Her name is Nia, I have not seen her in years but I hope shes doing well I guess. We moved to canada when i was going into the 5th grade. Super nice neighbourhood, lots of upper middle class kids. Uh oh imma start talking about race now. Yes, I was surrounded by white people, but no, i was not often the subject to racism. At least not explicitly. I have experienced a vast number of microaggressions. Anyways, I recently stopped hating myself. Like in the last 11 months or so. Right before a frickin pandemic. What are the odds. So, all these white people in my town. I have never been the epitome of beauty, obviously. But i believed for way too long that I was ugly, which is 100% not true. I sure do wish I could’ve come to that conclusion faster but hey, alls well that ends well.
Okay back to the stuff about jobs. I want a career that I can be proud of, and that can help me support my family. I want to do a lot of things. The university I attend has recently been hit with a wave of sexual assault cases. The best part is that most of the allegations are against faculty members in psychology! My faculty! I realize that as a black women I am facing scrutiny from literally all sides, even- as sometimes especially- from other black people. I want so badly to succeed that I sometimes let these issues pass me by. Stick ’em on the back burner, i’ll cross that bridge when i get to it, its not a problem until it is. Yet somehow I let it affect me in a different way. I think to myself: I’m gonna be a trailblazer, an iconic black psychologist or author or whatever, I’m gonna be a household name! Even as I sit here on my bed at 5:54 am, sleep deprived I think to myself, everyone is going to read this post and I’m gonna get published, I’m trying hard to remind myself that that is just simply not the case. Part of me hopes no one reads this, that I can just dump my stream of consciousness onto this page and publish it, but it somehow remains as my private thoughts. I want to have my cake and eat it too. By the way, that saying should really be, ‘eat your cake and have it too’ because that sounds way more straightforward, and makes more sense.
I want to talk and I want other people to listen but I also want to remain invisible. I think a part of me wants to say whatever and not take responsibility for it, but the other half wants all the acclaim and attention that may come.
If you’ve made it this far, which im not sure how far that is because I have literally no estimation of how long I’ve been typing but I can almost guarantee it has not been that long, I want to thank you for reading. However, I also want you to forget your ever having read this because it is embarrassing to have other people know my thoughts. I can’t come up with a solid conclusion so bye.